What I have come to understand over the 20 plus years of working with couples, gay and straight, is that at some point they stop looking at each other and they stop, or maybe never started, asking, “who are you? . It seems that we mostly fall in love with that with which we imagine our lover to be…some would say we create a fantasy person. The person we imagine may or may not have anything to do with who that person actually is but we don’t know it. When we finally start struggling in our relationship, we say, “you’ve changed” or “you’re not the person you were when we first met.” As Byron Katie would say, do you really know this to be true? How can you know that who you met is not exactly the person who stands in front of you….what changed? I heard recently that we do not meet our soul mate, we become soul mates. This takes a desire to find the truth about who the other person is, minus our projections. Harder still, it takes a desire to know who we are, minus our projections.

To help couples get started, I have written 60 very basic questions you can ask yourself and ask your partner. They range from everything from “what is your favorite color” to “what scares you the most?” I believe these questions can help couples because they help you talk about basic life perceptions in very practical ways.

There is no right way to do this exercise. You can sit down and ask each other the questions, you can write out your own answers and then share them with your partner or you can answer what you think your partner would say and then talk about this with each other.

Keep in mind there is not right way to do the exercise and there is no right answer to any of the questions. You don’t have to get angry because you are learning something about your partner for the first time or because he/she never shared this information before. They are sharing it now. Go into this with one purpose, to get to know more about yourself and your partner.

Questions to have fun with:

1. What is your lucky number?

2. What is your favorite color?

3. What is a hobby you most like or would like to have?

4. What would you be if you could choose a new career?

5. What famous person did you first fall in love with or have a crush on? Why?

Family:

1. Where are you in your family’s birth order?

2. Do you think that made a difference in your family relationships?

3. Did you grow up thinking your mother loved you?

4. Did you grow up thinking your father loved you?

5. Did you get along with your siblings?

6. What about your mother’s life, makes you feel sad?

7. What about your father’s life, makes you feel sad?

Childhood Memories:

1. What childhood memory carries the most joy? The most sadness?

2. How old were you when you first remember feeling scared?

3. What was the first thing in childhood you thought you wanted to be when you grew up?

4. Did you like school?

5. Did you have a favorite teacher? What was her/his name?

6. Did you have a best friend in grade school? Who was it?

7. Did you have a pet as a child? And is having a pet in your life, something you want or desire? If

so, can you say what having a pet offer s you?

Relationships:

1. When did you first think about marriage or being coupled for life?

2. Do you believe that love is about chemistry?

3. What is your idea of a perfect date?

4. What do you expect from a partner?

5. How do you decide what’s fair and

6. When facing a conflict who gets to decide what is fair?

Fun/Play

1. What gives you the most joy?

2. What is your idea of a perfect day?

Career/Money

1. What do you think about money?

2. What is your perfect job?

3. Do you think of yourself as ambitious? If yes why, if not, why not?

Having Children (This is for those that are parenting or are thinking about becoming parents)

1. What do you want your children to grow up knowing that you didn’t know until later in life?

2. What will you do with your children (or grandchildren) that your parents didn’t do with you?

3. What do parents owe their children?

4. What do parents owe to themselves?

5. Will you or do you think you want to raise our children the same way you were raised?

6. What did you do (as a parent) or are you now doing as a parent that is the same as your parents?

7. What is different?

Meaning/Purpose

1. What give your life meaning?

2. Do you think you have it now?

3. What are your goals for your life?

4. What do you value most in life?

5. What’s your idea of a perfect vacation?

6. When you’re not working what leisure activities give to you?

7. What would you do with your time if money were no object?

8. What do you spend the majority of your time thinking about?

9. Is there something else you would rather be putting your energy into thinking about? …if yes, what is getting in the way?

Fears/Worries

1. What scares you most now?

2. What do you most worry about?

Feelings/Emotions

1. Do you carry any shame? If so…in regard to what?

2. What is the thing you most regret in your life?

Me/Myself/and I

1. What is the one thing you wish you could change about yourself?

2. What is the one thing you want to do before you die?

3. Do you believe in God? Or a supreme being

4. If not what do you think happens after death?

5. Do you think that sometimes people are just born with good luck….if yes….are you one of those?

6. Do you think of yourself as a loner or someone that enjoys mostly the company of others?

7. How would you describe your style of dressing…is it because of your choice, because of your body size or because of your finances

8. When do you feel most vulnerable or out of control? Give an example?

9. When do you feel most out of control?

10. What today makes you the angriest?

11. Where would you live if money was no object and you would only have to consider yourself?

12. What would you like people to know about you that doesn’t always come across?

13.

14. Do you think of yourself as a good communicator….if yes…how did you learn…if not, Is that your choice or does something get in the way of communicating with others?

15. Where do you see yourself in 5 years….in 10 years

Everything you wanted to know about sex but were afraid to ask?

1. On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is sex in your day-to-day life?

2. Do you want to be able to talk to your partner about your sex life?

3. What holds you back from talking with him/her?

4. Do you enjoy sex?

5. Did you have any sexual trauma growing up that impact your sex life today?

6. If so, have you ever sought any help with this?

7. Did your parent/s ever discuss what emotions have to do with sex?

8. Do you want your child/ren to learn about sex from you? If not from whom?

Meaning/Purpose

1. What gives your life meaning?

2. Do you think you have it now?

3. What are your goals for your life?

4. What do you value most in life?

5. What’s your idea of a perfect vacation?

6. When you’re not working what leisure activities give to you?

7. What would you do with your time if money were no object?

8. What do you spend the majority of your time thinking about?

9. Is there something else you would rather be putting your energy into thinking about? …if yes, what is getting in the way?

10. What are you passionate about? Do you make time for that passion?

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